Christmas Cheer-Or Not

    The weeks following Jack's suicide attempt had been anything but smooth sailing. He didn't talk, he didn't eat, he refused to drink; every nutrient his body desperately needed was being fed into him through an IV that pierced his pale arm. He thought it made him look even sicker than he was, and he liked to glare at it whenever the nurses came in to change it, never meeting their eye, or anyone else's. He hated it. With every ounce of his being, he hated that little translucent tube that was keeping him alive.

    He hated his hospital room too. Its white walls and blinding lights that kept him awake at night. He hated his doctors, telling him everything that he already knew was wrong with him. He hated his medication, making him sleepy and wide awake at the same time. He hated his so called "therapist" who only managed to make him feel even worse about himself with every damn session he had to sit through. 

    The only thing Jack didn't hate was his visitors. 

    And there was one in particular, who after a month, finally convinced him to use his voice. Broken, raspy, and no more than a whisper, Jack's first sentence in four agonizingly long weeks was,

    "H-Hiccup...why did you stop me?"

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~*

    The only thing Hiccup looked forward today was what he was going to do after school.

    Every day after class he would go to the hospital, leaving all of his work and chores undone, and debate on whether or not to go into Jack's room. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. It hurt, it physically hurt when Jack refused to talk to him. He knew Jack wasn't talking to anyone, but still, he'd hoped that his boyfriend would be able to at least confide in him...

    Turns out he was wrong.

    And Hiccup was tired. No, he was exhausted, from the strain it was having on his mind. He was tired of Jack ignoring him and everybody around him. It had been four weeks, four. Four agonizingly long weeks filled with silence and frustration. He didn't know how much longer he could do this. Hiccup was usually a patient person, but Jack had pushed him to the edge, with what emotion the auburn still couldn't pick out, whether it was anger or frustration or fear or just plain sadness. Hiccup was ready to be done with it.

    And it was finally the last day of school before winter break, and everybody around him was full of holiday cheer and excitement for their plans they'd made over break. The halls too were decorated for the season, covered in tinsel and holly and everything red and green. Paper snowflakes adorned the walls, making his heart ache, and some students even managed to hang mistletoe where the teachers wouldn't see it.

    He had to resist the urge to glare at the couples who took advantage of that. 

    The day was an easy one, with none of the teachers even trying with his senior class, let alone anyone else in the school, to get them to do any work. They'd all taken their tests and exams the day before, and today truly was a day for celebration. Movies played, songs echoed through the halls, students even skipping their schedules altogether to hang out in groups across the school. Everyone seemed to be in the mood for the holidays.

    Almost everyone. Hiccup refused to take part in any of the festivities he would normally love to do, just making it through each class with his earbuds in blasting his favorite playlist. He sat alone at lunch, barely eating anything his father had put in his lunch that morning. He hadn't had much of an appetite as of late. 

    Just as he clicked the next button on his phone, a tray slammed down in front of him, startling him and he nearly choked on the bit of apple he'd been chewing. 

    "Shit-!" He muttered, looking up at the perpetrator, finding Astrid standing in front of him. He swallowed the piece of apple suddenly, wincing at how hard it went down. "Uh-"

    "Shut it." Astrid mumbled before pulling a chair from another table to sit next to him. She sat silent for a moment, staring at him with a gaze the auburn had to resist flinching under. He felt the urge to get up and simply walk away when the blond placed a hand on his own, and her eyes softened. 

    "We're worried about you Hiccup. Everyone, our friends, your dad, Jack's parents too. You're scaring us." She started quietly, looking down at their hands. "We know how much you care about Jack, how much you two care for each other but, closing everyone out yourself, well, it's just, it's not good, Hic."

    She sighed, taking a moment before continuing. "We know you want Jack to open up to you. We all do, we all want him to just say something. But, we also want you to open up; you haven't talked about what happened at the pond, or...anything, since then, and...its scaring us, Hic. It's scaring me. It's not good to keep that kind of stuff bottled up, you know?"

    Hiccup shrugged, focusing his gaze on the table. He started to pick at his apple, not finding anything to say. 

    "Hiccup, talk to me, or just, just look at me. Hiccup?" Astrid tried to catch his eye, lowering her head with his. 

    He didn't move. 

    "Hic?"

    "I-I'm just tired, Astrid." He whispered, pushing his lunch away and crossing his arms in front of him. He set his head down, hiding his face from her view. "I'm...I'm really tired..."

    Astrid sighed again, smiling sadly before an idea struck her, causing her to sit up straighter and her smile to become lighter. She lightly punched Hiccup on the shoulder, making him peek out at her with a raised eyebrow.

    "What was that for?"

    "Come on sad-sack," Astrid smirked, pulling him up by the arm. She began to shove him forward, away from the table and out the cafeteria. "You may not want to but I am going to make you participate in at least one of today's celebrations." 

    "A-Astrid, I-"

    "Nope, you're doing this. Now come on, Snotlout is making a fool of himself trying to get girls under the mistletoe up by Mr. Sanderson's office, and you know it's hilarious when they punch him!"

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~*

    Hiccup had to admit, that by the end of the day, Astrid and his other friends had finally lightened his mood and had even gotten a smile and bits of laughter out of him.

    And it felt good.

    But as the day ended his smiles faded into nervous frowns and sighs, and his friends had agreed to leave him alone to think about how he was going to get Jack to talk today. Some had given suggestions, even promising to stop by as well before returning to their homes to pack for holiday trips. Many of his friends were traveling for the break, most of them actually. Astrid and her parents were going to visit relatives in Ireland; the twins were heading north with their family to a ski resort; Merida was heading home in Scotland to visit her family after living with Rapunzel all semester who was actually joining her with her own parents and Eugene…

    It was really going to just be him and Jack over the long two weeks.

    And he was hoping they wouldn't be full of silence.

    He walked through the hospital doors confident, his backpack over his shoulder and full of sketch books and novels he was going to use in his plan. The nurses waved him hello just like every day, the doctors smiling at him sadly like always. Normally, they'd disgruntle him. Dampen his mood, but not today. Today he was determined. He was determined and dead set on getting his boyfriend to talk today. He was going to get Jack to talk, and make sure he didn't stay silent ever again. 

    Hiccup went over his plans Astrid and the other had helped him come up with, what he was going to say, everything they'd come up with, and mentally took account of the novels and sketches he'd brought, hoping to jog the white-haired teen to finally say something. So deep in thought, he was startled by the elevator dinging, letting him out on the fourth floor which was the children's floor. Walking down the hall, he couldn't help but smile at the laughs and gleeful shouts he could hear coming from other rooms. When he passed the playroom, his smile grew brighter, the memory of when he and Jack were kids popped up in his mind. That was so long ago now, and normally it would make him sad to think about, having been in the hospital at the time for the accident that had taken his mother's life and his left leg. 

    But it was also the day he had met Jack, and they had been best friends ever since.

    Finally coming to a halt in front of Jack's closed door, Hiccup finally felt a bubble of unease and nerves rise up in his chest. Jack was stubborn, emotionally unstable, and no doubt sick of sitting in a white, loud hospital room; he wasn't going to talk until he was ready, or he'd try as hard as he could. 

    But Hiccup was stubborn too, and he opened the door with only a moment's hesitation, smiling bright and ready to finally hear his boyfriend's voice again, and he wasn't leaving until he got to hear just that.

    "Hey Jack! Happy holidays, bud," he started, walking in and closing the door behind him. He tossed his bag onto one of the chairs pressed up against the wall, the hard cushion hardly muting the thud of the drop. "Today was the last day of school before break, so I won't be bringing you any homework for a while. That's definitely a plus, huh?"

    Hiccup started going through his bag, unnerved by the silence he continued to get in response. He risked peeking back at Jack, finding him awake as he suspected, staring up at him in almost a state of surprise, and Hiccup had to resist the urge to laugh and cry at the expression on his face. It was the most emotion Jack had shown in all his time here, his eyebrows high on his forehead and eyes wide. He grinned, and pulled out one of the books he'd brought along with him.

    "But I did bring you a few books, figured you'd finished the ones Tooth brought two weeks ago, if you, ya know, read them at all," he chuckled, "Can't imagine how much you would've enjoyed reading Dentist's Monthly and the many different myths about the tooth fairy. Here," 

    Hiccup tossed the book onto his boyfriend's bed, smiling as Jack sat up just a bit more to look at the cover. It was a copy of one of Jack's favorites from when they were younger; Hiccup had remembered how much Jack had asked their parents to read almost every night they stayed at his house. 

    "It's Where the Wild Things Are, you know the one from when we were kids?" He said, moving to sit on the bed by Jack's feet. Jack reached forward to pick up the book slowly, holding it in his arms before looking up at him. "Figured you might like that, I have more too; oh, and I brought a couple of my sketch books, and I grabbed yours, hope you don't mind too much. Here, let me get them. I even brought those markers you like to steal from me from time to time-yes, I've noticed..." 

    Hiccup trailed off, his voice suddenly disappearing as his eyes reached the hand that had come to rest on his arm.

    "Jack...?"

    The white haired teen was sitting all the way up now, one hand on his boyfriend and another still cradling the book close. His head was down, eyes unreadable, as his lips parted, and Hiccup felt his heart skip a beat as Jack's voice reached his ears for the first time in weeks.

    "H-Hiccup...why did you stop me?"

    The words fell like glass against Hiccup's ears, shattering every thought that had been racing through his mind. He rounded on Jack, all cheerfulness and warmth lost in anger as he gripped the white-haired teen by the arms. He sat up on his knees and pulled Jack close, getting in his face as he struggled to keep from yelling.

    "Why did I stop you?" He forced out between clenched teeth, his green eyes burning into Jack's as Hiccup glared at him. "How can you even ask me that?!"

    "H-Hiccup-" Jack tried interrupting, his blue eyes blown wide and glossing over with tears as he cast them down to the sheets, avoiding even looking at the auburn now. 

    Hiccup was having none of it. One hand still firmly gripping Jack's right arm, Hiccup used the other to lift Jack's chin up until he could stare him in the eye again, and for a moment guilt rose in his chest at the glistening tears dancing on the edge of his boyfriend's eyelids. "N-No," He started again, his voice breaking before he got a chance to calm himself, "You asked, so now you listen, Jack. I stopped you that day because I wanted to. I needed to. I did not want you to die. No one, let me repeat that, no one wanted you to die. No one does now. I can hardly believe you actually thought we'd be okay with you dying. Heck, I'm not even sure you were completely okay with leaving us!"

    He paused, sighing softly. "Jack, you're not alone. Even if you feel like you are, you're not. You will never be alone. You have me, and you have Emma, and your parents, an all of our friends. We're here for you, we'll always be there for you. We'll never leave you. You are wanted, and you're needed here. Emma needs you. Your parents need you. I need you. All of our friends need you. And you, you need to be there for yourself.

    "Without you...If I hadn't gotten to the pond in time...Jack, I'm not sure what any of us would've done." Hiccup continued, "I don't think any of us could stand living without you in it. I...I can't imagine a world without you by my side anymore. That's, that's why I stopped you, Jack. And I will do it all again if I have to." 

    He finished, letting both of his hands drop away from Jack and fall into his lap where he started rubbing his fingers together nervously. All of his anger quickly dissolved into sadness and exhaustion, and he could feel his own eyes beginning to become heavy with tears that threatened to spill over any moment. 

    And with one look at Jack, they did. 

    Hiccup didn't bother trying to stop them, letting every cry escape his lips as he suddenly pulled the white-haired teen back into his arms and curled around him. He held onto him tight, burying his face in Jack's shoulder as his breath became hitched and strained between sobs he let escape between his lips. 

    "J-ack, I was so scared that morning..." He hiccuped, "Y-You weren't breathing, you weren't moving or doing anything and you looked dead, a-and then when you finally woke up you d-idn't speak or talk to anyone for four weeks! Four, Jack! Do y-ou have any idea what that's done to us? What it's done to m-me? Do you?! Jack-!" 

    Hiccup stopped abruptly, every muscle going tense as he suddenly felt weak arms around him, tightening loosely around his body. He slowly became aware of the dampness on his shoulder, and the thin body shaking in his arms. And then he held his breath, not daring to move when Jack's head lifted away from him ever so slightly only to have his forehead fall back against his shoulder, and a whisper reaching his ears.

    "O-Of course I do..." Jack's voice echoed around them, broken and shaking and heavy with so many emotions Hiccup couldn't place them all, "I-I was scared too...I-I'm so sorry, Hiccup...I-I'm so s-orry..."

    Sniffling, the auburn released him to grab a tissue from his pocket and blew his own nose before pulling out another to offer to Jack. He took it gratefully before continuing,

    "I was just, I didn't know what else to do, Hic. I felt alone, and I know I wasn't and that I had you guys but I couldn't get over the feeling a-and I just, kept thinking about how much of a burden I have been in you and my parents and everyone else a-and...II just, I just lost it..."

    He swallowed thickly, trying desperately to calm his breathing which had begun to hitch in his chest rapidly. Hiccup pulled him close again, wrapping his arms around his back gently. Jack let out a shaky sigh before sinking into the embrace and relaxed as he went on,

    "Honestly, I-I don't remember much of that day from when I threw my phone against the wall...I-It broke and then, everything gets fuzzy." He paused, wrapping his own arms around Hiccup. "W-Well, up, up until I was falling off the edge…that I remember clearly..."

    His grip on his boyfriend tightened suddenly as he struggled to silence a sob that had risen in his throat. "Hiccup...I-I was so scared...You were right!” Jack cried, moving to bury his face again in Hiccup’s shoulder. “I-I didn't want to die, I didn't! I was falling a-and I changed my mind...a-and then I hit the water, and everything went black...

    “Hiccup, I am so sorry for what I did, to you, to everyone else…I was selfish, only thinking of me…” Jack’s voice was fading, into a whispered, and he leaned forward to wrap his arms yet again around Hiccup’s small frame. “I’m so sorry…”

    He trailed off at a sigh that came from the auburn teen, who then pulled away from the other. Jack’s face twisted in confusion, and a sudden fear of rejection burst through his chest, threatening to bring the tears back full force until Hiccup slowly took Jack’s hands in his. He was silent, collecting his thoughts, and when he felt Jack’s hands beginning to shake, he squeezed them gently and looked down at them.

    “You don’t need to apologize, Jack,” He started softly, unable to raise his eyes to meet the blue ones staring at him in confusion, “If anyone really should be sorry, it’s me. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. I’ve just, been really, really stressed ever since it happened. Well, stressed doesn’t even begin to cover it to be honest; emotional? Illogical? Those are better words I think.”

    He paused, swallowing dryly. “I was worried. Everyone was. And tired,” he chuckled breathlessly, “Really tired. But the thing is, we were okay with it. We were okay with worrying and being tired because, well, we had hope that it wouldn’t all be for nothing. And look, it wasn’t!”

    Hiccup smiled warmly, his chest shuddering as he held his voice steady. “You’re talking to me, you’re in recovery. It’s a long road, sure. And we’d never, ever hoped to have to travel this way. But you know what?” He asked, releasing his hold on one of Jack’s hand to lift the white-haired teen’s chin until their gazes met. “We’d all do it again in a heartbeat if we had to.

    “Everything is going to be okay, Jack. It’ll take some time, I won’t lie about that, and I’m sure as Hell it’s not going to be easy, but in the end, it will turn out alright. And we’ll, I’ll, be with you every step of the way.”

    Hiccup gently pulled Jack into another embrace, the third one just in that evening, and held him close as the auburn gave in again to the tears. They rolled freely down his cheeks, Hiccup far beyond caring about them any longer. A muffled sound caught his attention, though he couldn’t quite decipher what he’d heard.

    “What was that?” He whispered, resting his chin down against Jack’s shoulder, noticing how it was once against shaking softly.

    A small, quiet whimper was heard next, followed quickly by a whisper from the white-haired teen in the auburn’s arms,

    “Never let go…”

    Hiccup’s grip tightened, and his eyes clenched shut as he nodded with a jerk of his head.

    “I won’t. I promise.”